The past three weeks.

You may have noticed that all of the posts I have made this month have been focused on my Christmas adventures. This has been for two main reasons. First, the trip to Italy was amazing and deserved to be chronicled here. Second, I haven't been blogging because sorting through the range of emotions I have been feeling over the past three weeks has taken a lot of energy and effort to synthesize. This is my honest account of how I feel right now.

The last day in Italy brought a surprising realization- if I had gone home to America for Christmas, I probably wouldn't have come back. I had enjoyed the first semester, but I did not (and still really don't) find teaching to be a satisfying job for me. I love the students, but I do not love the role of teacher. If I could hang out with them, be their counselor/mentor/youth pastor, I would LOVE it, but the role of teacher is difficult for me to fill. I did not want to come back to Poland-I wanted to stay on holiday forever or go home to start seminary right away. So following this realization has brought on the following questions and the past few weeks I have been sorting through all of it.

1)Do I actually go home? NO. The answer to this question has always been no. I cannot abandon what I have started here. Leaving would hurt the students, the administration, and Sarah, and I am not willing to do intentionally hurt any of these bodies. It was my choice to come, knowing that I felt called to seminary and ministry for my life and NOT education, so I need to stick out what I have started.

2) How does this make me feel about myself as an individual? Though unsatisfied in my work life, there are other good things in my life; I just need to remember these things and focus on them when I am feeling crummy. I cannot base my self-image on being a teacher because it is unhealthy to define myself by something I dislike, but instead need to remember that my identity comes first and foremost from God. I am HIS child, regardless of what I do/think/feel/say. This is an unchanging, constant fact that I have to base my life on or I will crumble. Everything follows this.

3) Was it a mistake for me to come to Poland in the first place? In my lowest of low moments, I would say yes, but in reality I know that it was not a mistake to come here. I have learned so much about myself, those around me, another culture, and have had a lot of amazing opportunities that I would not have had otherwise.

4) What is my next step to make life better here? First I need to continue to develop the things I love here: my relationships with my students and co-workers. Second, I need to keep trying to be the best teacher that I can for my students. It's not their fault that I don't love teaching, and they still deserve my all. I may not be the best teacher they ever have, but I need to be the best teacher that I have within me. Third, I must pray, hope, believe, wish that God has more in store for me here. I am not done here, and I must believe that God is not done with me here either.

Today, January 20th, marks my halfway point in my time of service. I have just over five months left. I don't say this to be depressing or to make a point about how desperate I am to come home. Instead I say this because I need to express that I hope to actively work to make these next five months as good as they can be. I am halfway done and need to be intentional in taking care of myself and pushing myself to get everything out of this experience I can.

Blessings,
Colleen